I left Haiti 13 days early and it broke my heart. I developed a blood clot that needed to be removed, so I was obligated to find a flight home before I was originally scheduled to leave August 6th. The last month of my time in Haiti was definitely the hardest emotionally, but it grew me immensely. I felt challenged to the point that I thought I wasn't going to be able to keep going. I was saddened with the recognition that sometimes things look so beautiful from the outside, but we are unfortunately tempted by the enemy daily, and sometimes we falter. It was hard to watch that happening around me, and it was hard to feel that the enemy was tempting me with doubt. I could hear him saying, "See, your work here is useless. Your love for these children is useless. Your work here is done and I want you gone." I could feel my body fatiguing and my soul became very downcast. I cried every day, multiple times a day, for about four days in a row. The hardest part of this time was that the people who I had relied on the entire time I was in Haiti, had all left. I felt so incredibly alone, even though their kind words from afar attempted to lift my spirits. The beautiful thing about New Life is that there are always teams of people coming in and out, and sometimes there are certain people that God sends at the perfect time. That happened for me, and there was a woman who lifted my spirits beyond her own recognition. I just needed someone to sit with, talk with, and listen to, and she did that for me. She was Christ's love for me on that Sunday morning, and my heart was won over by the fact that Christ has already won. I basked in His love for me and was reminded of His might; this woman I barely knew was in our weekly church service which I had chosen to skip that morning. She said in the middle of the service, God was urging her to come to my room and speak to me. Little did she know, my heart was aching and all I needed was what she offered me: a listening ear and her loving presence.
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by how much our Savior loves us, and how deeply He KNOWS us. The Lord is deeply captivated by us and He is enthralled by the beauty that we possess through His grace. He knew I was hurting and He came to my rescue.
Even though my heart had been lifted, I could feel my soul telling me, "Lindsay, you did what you were called to do. Now it's time to rest." I was saddened because I was leaving the kids early, and I also was going to miss Emily coming home before I was expected to fly out. If you don't know who Emily is, that's okay, but just know that woman is my other half, I feel. My soul is so deeply connected to hers, and over the summer she became one of my best friends, and leaving without getting to say goodbye to her hurt my heart more than she'll ever know. However, I know God moves when it's time to move, and He was instructing me that my time there was done and it was time to rest.
See, this is something I have a hard time articulating...how much I love my friends. My friends are my family and my very best support system. God has TRULY blessed me with incredible friends, and I am humbled every day by their love for me. Over time, my biological family has become more of my family and I am learning to trust and rely on them in ways most people do with their family. However, my friends picked up the slack when it was needed, and for that, I am eternally grateful. They inspire me to be better, and coming home to them was the biggest gift I could have ever received after a long summer. It was a long day of flights getting delayed, but when I finally made it in by midnight, their faces were like shining stars that I had missed more than I knew. They had guacamole and listening ears ready, and it was beautiful- just what I needed. The next morning, I woke up and thought to myself, "Okay, now what do I do?" I went next door to my friend Anna's house, and we had coffee and I shared a few Haiti stories with her. I then asked her what her plans were for the day, and she said that she and our group of friends have been going to the projects of Tallahassee, the Joe Louis community, to mentor and tutor. For a second I thought I should stay home and rest, but quickly decided that I wanted normalcy, and to be able to see some kiddos and love on them was just what I needed. I also couldn't express how much I loved my friends in that moment she shared with me what they have been doing all summer. I was humbled in that moment- something I didn't share with her- and realized that my biggest fear of coming back was that no one would understand me. I was afraid I would become angry with judgment on people who spent their summers doing anything other than what I had done, and experienced anything other than what I had experienced. And here I was listening to her tell me stories of all these kids who she and my friends have been ministering to the whole summer, and I could hear God saying, "Don't you understand how vast my love is for the poor? Don't you see how I have called you all to serve the least of these, and they have done that? Don't you see how deep my love is?" Internationally or nationally, poverty is poverty and God deeply cares for those who have been forgotten. He uses us in many different ways to be His vessels to the poor. How incredibly beautiful is that? And I am incredibly blessed am I to have friends that understand the depths of my soul who share the same exact passion.
As I sit here writing, I can feel the words melting off my heart. My desire to be understood is no more, my desire to be heard is no more, and my desire to be accepted is no more. God our Savior has accepted us and welcomed us in to this beautiful place of selflessness where we are offered a gift we cannot refuse- to serve the least of these with a passion that burns so deeply that it reflects Christ's own love for you and me. And in return, we are then given the opportunity to receive others' love for us that reflects how Christ feels about us.
As I start school in a sea of thousands of other students, my passion for the poor is still burning, and I hope it carries with me through out my last semester of college. I am so incredibly grateful for what I experienced this summer in Haiti.
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